As I continue to further reflect going into 2023 - I wanted to acknowledge more of what I can do - and what I'm currently doing that's preventing me from reaching my full potential -- and then a song came to my mind...
Look - it's true that I'm my worst critic and biggest enemy. Most of the time, I tell others to give themselves grace, but I'm too harsh on myself. It just is par for the course. However, I don't want to be in a codependent relationship where my stagnation is dependent on me not taking steps toward my goal simply because I can't allow myself the same grace.
Why this matters
The purpose of today's post is to juxtapose what I'm doing currently and what I aim to accomplish - and analyze if it's possible to reach my goals without having to change very much of anything. I've laid out the following scenarios in my head:
- What don't I like?
- What if everything stood still within me?
- How does it feel?
- What benefits do I stand to gain by nothing changing?
- Does it outweigh the negatives?
- What's the worst that can happen?
What I don't like currently
When I first sat down to write my anti-vision - it was a lot more fear-based. See below:
I suppose you can make an argument for that and say "fear is not fun - I do not like unfun things - therefore, it falls under the category of things I do not like" - however, I wanted to go even go further than my fears.
I wanted to really think about what I don't like (in the future) and things I don't like now.
Current Work Situation
Right now, I don't like the fact that I have attached a part of my self-worth to my work. Due to this, I work harder and longer hours. The thing they don't tell you is that corporate America doesn't care about the hours - it cares about results.
If you work 60-hour weeks and burn out, it doesn't care. You'll get praised for achieving while on the job but this is despite however many hours you put in. At the end of the day, it's pretty pointless to mix your personal emotions with work because who you are as a person overall extends beyond who you are at work.
Nowadays, it's easier to make any vertical movements by switching jobs every few years than it is to stay in your current job. Working at my current job, I've been able to move up pretty quickly for what it's worth - however, it still isn't at the pace that matches my input. There's a lot of politicking and work bureaucracy that I need to navigate.
Change is so unpredictable at my workplace that I want to ensure that:
- I still have a job throughout these harsh economic times,
- I do not take a pay cut, and
- I do not accept more work with a worse title.
Family
Due to my work hours and how much hinges on economic and financial security, I find that I'm not having enough time to spend with my parents. Additionally, I find that I am very sad and scared to watch my father's cognitive decline due to old age. I also find it difficult to watch my mom's overall health continue to deteriorate as well and hear her say how much her feet hurt after work.
Thankfully, my mother is retiring soon, so that should help with the pains she's experiencing as she's also getting older - and that should help with increased quality time between her and my father - and with all of us. However, it also makes me worried that my one income cannot support all of us and that's frightening to me.
Further, while we are all so excited to make the big move next year, I'm a little worried about the climate future of our planet. Texas is already hot, and I am worried that it will be too hot for my parents. Of course, we do have the infrastructure to combat some of it. For example, my parents can literally just stay inside on hot days (all of them) and go outside when it's less hot. However, a part of me is very worried that they'll miss the midwest. Of course, they won't miss the cold, snow, and ice - it's a tradeoff.
Friends
While I am very driven, I also love to be social with people. I like going out and catching a show, getting a drink in the evening, getting coffee, catching up with people, etc. However, I find that 1) those things cost money, 2) they take time, and 3) I find that I worry about my parents' well-being and safety first and foremost. I want to make sure that I do everything to secure comfort for my parents because they've given so much to me. However, the flip side of this tunnel vision is it entails a lot of "sacrifices." Although I do have FOMO - and it's a pretty real thing.
Moreover, I'm worried that my friends won't understand where I'm coming from with my priorities. I do make time for friends - almost daily - but it worries me that it may not be enough. I get kind of scared that I may come off like I don't value my relationships with them - when that cannot be further from the truth.
What if everything stood still within me?
If I were to change nothing about what I could feasibly control right now, I would be working from 5 AM to 5 PM (or longer) each day. I wouldn't get to express myself creatively very much - and I would continue to wish for things that would me feel whole, such as eating dinners with my parents, playing more with Penny, and hanging out more with friends.
I would still be yearning for my outlets to release myself from the ho-hum daily things of life. I would be concerned that nothing will change because I'm not really doing anything to change it.
My parents' home would remain without proper maintenance, I wouldn't move to Texas, and I'd probably be eventually let go from my job as I am expected to go into the office several times a week.
As I'd be staying in the same home, I'd feel a bit of contentment because of the familiarity - but I'd likely have less of an option to date as I am not interested in dating in this small town as everyone knows each other. Because I like my privacy, I would likely end up single. The alternative is that I'd maybe end up reuniting with my ex... which is not something I'm currently interested in doing.
Career-wise, I do think that I would have to get a job somewhere in town or continue to try to find remote work. However, it'd be a lot more predictable and slower pace lifestyle than the goals I have in store for my future.
How does it feel?
Simply put, please refer to the following image.
What benefits do I stand to gain by nothing changing?
As my parents are still aging (you can't change time - you can just change your own behaviors), I would feel better about the community we have established here. My uncle is here, and my cousins are here. That is a huge asset to my father and my mother. My father loves meeting with his brother and my uncle is adorable. My mother has friends here, and she values them a lot. These are two of the biggest pluses I have for things to stay the same.
Along the same lines, I also already have connections in town. If this visit was to turn into me actually moving back here and living here, I would likely pursue a career in government. I've interacted with the city council people, the Mayor, and her office, and have connections to other grassroots organizations here. It would be less work than starting all over to reform these connections.
Finally, I love this house and what it represents to me. My parents have sacrificed a lot to buy this home and to have it be where it is today. Hell, even I sacrificed a lot to have the house in its current condition. One of the bigger draws to me is also getting to keep and live in this home. Even though my new house is larger and it's more modern, I'm a very sentimental person - and this home has all the memories - good and bad. However, the home and the sentiment transcend it.
Does it outweigh the bad?
To be completely honest with you, the good does not outweigh the bad for me, although some of the pluses have a pretty significant impact.
Think about it this way - it isn't a big deal for me to make new connections, but it is a bigger deal to me that my father and my uncle will live further away from each other. So while it's nice to already have connections in the community - this is something that I would give maybe a point to, whereas, I would give 3-5 points for my dad having his brother around in town. I hope that makes sense.
Besides the positives that I mentioned, I do believe that the negatives of the anti-vision have a stronger impact on me and my overall fulfillment.
Reasoning
For starters - my uncle and his family are always welcome to visit my parents and me in the new place. They travel every few months for leisure, so it shouldn't be a problem to come and stay with me in the new place. Heck, I'll sleep on the floor to make room.
Second, my mom's friends can come to visit too. Some of my mom's friends from the old country (Vietnam) will actually be closer to the new home than they are to my parents' home now. It should make it easier for them to come to visit as well.
Third, I can also make new connections in Texas. As a general rule of thumb, I think it's beneficial to get involved in social and political issues no matter where you go. For me, I will do my best to leave the world a better place, and that applies whether in the Midwest or in Texas.
Fin.
2023 will be a great year, and it's because there are things planned for this year that will help to make it wonderful. However, even though I've already put the time and effort into planning these things, I am still a little scared heading into it. Detailing my anti-vision helps me feel better about some of the scary life decisions that lay ahead.
I genuinely this is something that can help anyone who stumbles across this post. Let's be grateful for the good times in 2022, and make what we can of 2023 amazing.