Hello friends, how the heck are ya?
As Valentine's Day has recently passed - I wanted to focus this post on self-acceptance. At first, I wanted to write about self-love. However, as self-love and self-care are terms that get tossed around a lot, I wanted to hone in on specific parts of self-love. Self-acceptance is just a part of self-love. I would argue it's one of the very first steps toward self-love so it's important to address self-acceptance first. Once you can accept yourself and everything it means to be you, then self-love will come.
What is Self-Acceptance?
According to Langer & Springer, there are two core aspects of self-acceptance:
- Ability and willingness to let others see one's true self
- Appropriate self-evaluation
Let's start there and break each of these down.
True Self
At the core, who are we? What do we do when no one is looking? Who are we when others are paying attention? Of course, social structures and expectations do play a role in how we express ourselves in different environments. However, if we were to do our best to go beyond that, what are the results?
These are a few questions worthy of asking.
Examples
When I think of who "ML" is - online and offline, at work or at home, alone or with others, these have been the constants:
- I am Vietnamese - and it comes out a lot through my mannerisms, worldview, interactions with others, etc.
- Lived experience: taking care of loved ones and feeling the pressures to bridge the two cultures I am in every day.
- I take time to process others' actions and words and am careful about how I come off.
- At home, I communicate differently with my friends, and with my parents, versus with my clients at work.
- I am not as knowledgeable when it comes to popular culture and am often confused when people reference things.
These are just a few things I think of when I look for patterns. Regardless of who I'm with or what I'm doing, some aspects of these above items tend to come out.
One important aspect of self acceptance is the ability and willingness to let others see one’s true self. Living mindfully entails living daily life without pretense and without concern that others are judging one negatively.
Langer & Springer, 2006
Self-Evaluation
Anytime you talk about "self" - you have to remember that it's all subjective. One of the pitfalls to self-acceptance is proper self-evaluation. Perspectives are not objective - they never really are. This isn't to say that there's never a universal truth to things. However, most people can be comforted by the fact that the concept of self and how we come off to others are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.
Not sure about you - but this is something I can personally attest to. I often perceive things that I do are worse than what other people think they are. In reality, it's not that significant on someone else's radar.
Examples
Because I can be a neurotic individual, please refer to the below for some examples of misdirected thoughts and we'll go into their impact in a bit.
- My hair looks frizzy.
- Oh my goodness, why am I so incredibly cringe?
- I'm so socially awkward.
- Why would anyone care about what I do?
These thoughts all stem from the fact that these are my perceptions and how I judge myself. It has nothing to do with what anyone has told me, or what I'm capable of. However, an inaccurate sense of self can be quite detrimental.
Combining the two for self-acceptance
Simply put, this is how I think about the concepts of self-acceptance:
Depending on the patterns you exhibit and express, and how you judge those things - they will impact your ability to truly self-accept.
Forming self-acceptance
So how do we combat the harsh judgments we cast on ourselves? Recently, I started to make the mental pivot of trying to live in a way that's more authentic to who I am, regardless of what others may think. My thinking started with: "what will happen when you don't care so much about how you come off?"
Then I thought: How would things change? What would you do differently? Would you be happier? More authentic? More genuine?
The other part of me also thought: What will people think of you? Will they still like you? Will they like you less? Are they going to be turned off by what they see from you?
C'est la vie
After too many years of this internal dialogue - where the negative thoughts and anxiety played too big a role in my life - I wanted to say such is life. C'est la vie - que sera sera. That's life - whatever will be will be.
This led me to think about my past, my hobbies, and who I am - faults and all. It's a very hard conversation to have with yourself, and one I suspect I'll continue to have over the course of my entire life as a reflective individual.
However, I wanted to live a more genuine life - one where I'm not so boggled down with caring too much about what others think. It's okay to care about what others think - but only to a point. This, I think, is the first step to fulfilling your true happiness.
Rewiring my brain
I had to take this late 20s brain - the one that was taught to care about the collective and place that over all else - and essentially (in elementary terms) go: "me now. me now, please."
I had to re-train myself to think and then to believe:
- Who cares what others think of you?
- Even if someone does think poorly of you, that doesn't mean it's true.
- Reframe the negative words in your brain to positive (or at the very least, neutral) ones.
All of these steps were hard. However, number 3 was the hardest for me because it comes down to what I think of myself and my own biases versus other people's. For me, it's easier to accept that you can't change everyone - than it is to accept that the harsh things I think of myself are not as bad as I make them out to be.
I started to do mental exercises to train myself toward self-acceptance.
Take, for example, the things I listed previously:
- My hair looks frizzy.
- Oh my goodness, why am I so incredibly cringe?
- I'm so socially awkward.
- Why would anyone care about what I do?
This turns into:
- My hair is thick and full.
- Cringe is subjective. Everyone is cringe - and cringe is temporary. They're temporary states of being that everyone exhibits.
- I am an acquired taste.
- On a smaller scale - little moments of social faux-pas are just that. On a larger scale, small things add up - so you can use this to your advantage and use those little moments for the greater good.
Impacts
While I wouldn't say that I'm a self-acceptance guru - I strive to more easily accept all that I am and what I have to offer. However, I already see some differences in the way I talk about my hobbies, past, etc. I find that I'm more open to letting others in by knowing more about who I am.
Typically, I compartmentalize the different aspects of my life. For example, work colleagues are meant to be work colleagues - and I don't talk about my personal life too much. Online friends know me, but they don't know too much about me.
However, I recently went on a work trip with a few colleagues abroad and that was a great bonding activity. We learned a lot about each other, and it was good to be trusted with what people share.
In turn, I even went so far as to share a bit more about my own past, a bit about my and my family's story, and that I streamed on Twitch and that I want to stream again. I never would've done this before. I thought that people would be a little judgemental of my story, my hobbies, and my ambitions - but so far, the few people in my life that I told have been extremely supportive.
It's been great to see that people are kind and supportive. It definitely helps to move me along this path toward total self-acceptance. However, I think the true key is: even if those people were not supportive, I am still okay with that and with my journey. At the end of the day, it's about accepting one's self, and that's all that matters.
